“Mommy, you’re not going to the game with me? It’s Senior Night and you haven’t been to a game all season. Daddy went to the last one; you have to go.” I’m thinking…for the love of God, please tell me she’s joking. Our oldest daughter, the one who drives, made plans to hang out with me, at the game. She even picked out one of her shirts for me to wear for school spirit. “Mommy don’t worry, I’ll drive. You can rest on the way there”. Now I’m thinking, are you KIDDING ME? Someone please tell me I’m being PUNKED.

Then I realized our 18 year old daughter chose me over her friends. My exhaustion could not possibly compete with her excitement, once I agreed to go. I agreed to wear her shirt, even though I’m a size bigger. I agreed to let her drive us to the game (7 minutes away), while I rest. I even agreed to sit in 44 degrees, just to hear her say “Hey guys, my mom’s here!”

Priceless…

Based on its definition, help is considered a good thing. Surely, we all have received, given, needed or wanted help at some point in our lives. As early as our preschool years, we strive to become “good helpers”. Unfortunately, as with many things in life, too much of anything is not always a good thing. In my opinion, help shouldn’t hurt, but it often does when it’s overextended or abused.

If you help your child with their homework it’s good. If you do your child’s homework for them, you interfere with your child’s ability to learn. If you help your child budget their allowance it’s good. If you give them money every time they want to buy something, you interfere with their ability to learn financial discipline. If you help your child complete a difficult task it’s good. When you decide to take on the task yourself you interfere with their ability to grow and think independently. Helping our kids, family and/or friends is a good thing; however, when it’s overkill that’s exactly what we’re doing-killing the progress of the one(s) we’re attempting to help. Again, this is just my opinion. I’ve experienced and witnessed a lot of brokenness from people just trying to help.

When it’s our kids, when make the excuse that we don’t want to see them struggle as young adults. Question…did we prepare them for young adult life? If we did the best we could, we have to learn to let go; even if it hurts. Many times, homes with an adult child or children still living with their parents (for whatever reason) develop unhealthy relationships among themselves. The overextended help provided by the parents often hurts their marriage and or relationship with the child. If you don’t believe me, go visiting. We all know at least one family that fits this description. If this is your family, think about the last time your child said, “Thank you for letting me stay home until I get my sh_t together”. Let’s stop inhaling the tension and take the necessary steps to move forward and regain loving, healthy relationships with our spouses and/or children.

Nonetheless, when it comes to family members and/or friends, we’re just as passionate about helping. Jimmie and I have helped many people over the years. We got alot of “thank yous”; but we also received some “I never asked for your help” (after they took it of course). Some of us loan money to help; and it does the first few times. After awhile it only hurts the financial growth of the individual and usually the relationship between the two. We try to help a family member or friend get on their feet by helping them find a job. We type up resumes, help them fill out the job application, and maybe even set up an interview for them. How do they say thank you? Usually they say it by not showing up for the interview or work on time. The sad part is, the cycle doesn’t end and we later find ourselves  helping them again in the near future.

All I’m saying is help shouldn’t hurt. Based on its definition, it’s not suppose to.

While the girls are trying to present their new list of wants, I’m simply trying to have uninterrupted conversation. Seriously…our phone calls are often interrupted with the girls calling their dad on the other line. That’s how bad it gets sometimes. Nonetheless, they know that it’s very important for Jimmie and I to spend quality time alone; as husband and wife. Not just for intimacy (although at the top of our priority list), but for the simple things in life. After all, we were a couple before we became parents.

Our quality time together does not always consist of date night. We also enjoy working out at the gym, walks in the neighborhood, playing catch in the backyard with gloves and a softball, getting massages together, working in the yard (replacing mulch, cutting grass, etc.) or just sitting on the porch enjoying a few drinks. It really doesn’t matter what we’re doing, as long as we’re doing it together.

Now that the girls are older and becoming more responsible and independent, Jimmie and I get to enjoy more time alone. Like everything else, if you want a healthy marriage, you have to invest time in it. Notice I didn’t say a happy marriage? I’ll talk about that later. Anyway, don’t make the mistake of putting your marriage on hold, while investing all of your time into your kids. At some point, they grow up and leave (in most cases). Don’t find yourself waking up one morning next to a stranger, whom you never took the time to get to know over the years. That’s just my opinion. What’s yours?