The word help is defined as: to give or provide what is necessary to accomplish a task or satisfy a need; contribute strength or means to; render assistance to; cooperate effectively with; aid; to make easier or less difficult; or to be of service or advantage.
Based on its definition, help is considered a good thing. Surely, we all have received, given, needed or wanted help at some point in our lives. As early as our preschool years, we strive to become “good helpers”. Unfortunately, as with many things in life, too much of anything is not always a good thing. In my opinion, help shouldn’t hurt, but it often does when it’s overextended or abused.
If you help your child with their homework it’s good. If you do your child’s homework for them, you interfere with your child’s ability to learn. If you help your child budget their allowance it’s good. If you give them money every time they want to buy something, you interfere with their ability to learn financial discipline. If you help your child complete a difficult task it’s good. When you decide to take on the task yourself you interfere with their ability to grow and think independently. Helping our kids, family and/or friends is a good thing; however, when it’s overkill that’s exactly what we’re doing-killing the progress of the one(s) we’re attempting to help. Again, this is just my opinion. I’ve experienced and witnessed a lot of brokenness from people just trying to help.
When it’s our kids, when make the excuse that we don’t want to see them struggle as young adults. Question…did we prepare them for young adult life? If we did the best we could, we have to learn to let go; even if it hurts. Many times, homes with an adult child or children still living with their parents (for whatever reason) develop unhealthy relationships among themselves. The overextended help provided by the parents often hurts their marriage and or relationship with the child. If you don’t believe me, go visiting. We all know at least one family that fits this description. If this is your family, think about the last time your child said, “Thank you for letting me stay home until I get my sh_t together”. Let’s stop inhaling the tension and take the necessary steps to move forward and regain loving, healthy relationships with our spouses and/or children.
Nonetheless, when it comes to family members and/or friends, we’re just as passionate about helping. Jimmie and I have helped many people over the years. We got alot of “thank yous”; but we also received some “I never asked for your help” (after they took it of course). Some of us loan money to help; and it does the first few times. After awhile it only hurts the financial growth of the individual and usually the relationship between the two. We try to help a family member or friend get on their feet by helping them find a job. We type up resumes, help them fill out the job application, and maybe even set up an interview for them. How do they say thank you? Usually they say it by not showing up for the interview or work on time. The sad part is, the cycle doesn’t end and we later find ourselves helping them again in the near future.
All I’m saying is help shouldn’t hurt. Based on its definition, it’s not suppose to.
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Over my long, very long career, I have helped folks in many different ways. I think that because I have so many years of experiences that I tend to forget that not everyone understands things the way I understand them, thus leaving the impression that I am hard on the draw with my advice (if you will).
Just about 5 years ago I did a study for my Board of Director which at that time consisted of 12 men, in this study I found that a financial down turn was inevitable and warned them of certain investment, it seemed that from that meeting all hell fell on my shoulders I felt I had to warm family and friends of the importance of being cautioned when purchasing certain things.
This help caused me more heart aches and pains then I had learning to just say no to giving money as a means of helping. But once again I have to say that God is good and has always guided my footsteps. Those that heeded my warnings have blessed me greatly, those that did not I’m still trying to help clean up the mess. But isn’t that what it’s all about, what could I possibly gain by sharing what I know with family and friends, after all my Board paid the handsome penny for it.
Faith Ann: I have found it hard for the people of God to resist the temptation to help others. Let’s face it. It’s just the right thing to do. Unfortunately, if we are not careful, it can backfire. I’ve learned over the years to help those God identify; not the ones I think need my help. When God chooses, the person (people) needing my help has a receiveable spirit. They are appreciative; not defensive or offended. When I choose, sometimes I’m labeled the know-it-all, who thinks I’m better than them. And yes, it hurts when you’re simply trying to help.